We are All Troubled Individuals, so Let’s Unite — on the Couch!
I would like to be perfectly honest about the fact that I do not have a clue about what it is like to live in the U.S., to be a white U.S. citizen, to be a minority U.S. citizen, or to be anybody else but who I actually am — ME!
It makes perfect sense when one considers that being ME, as a matter of fact, means that I have spent my whole life living in Europe being a true European. One individual who has lived in three different European countries and travelled most of the western European countries — nothing new in this day and age, there are millions of people just like me.
So, I have never set foot in any of the States, not in real life, anyway. The small and big screens in my life have made sure that you guys could always be present though, pretty close even at times, or that is the way it felt.
My first “American” encounters were with the likes of “The Waltons family”, “Flipper” and the boy “Sandy”, “Laura Ingalls” from “Little House on the Prairie”, or “Grizzly Adams”?
I used to love Cowboys and Indians films and how the relationship between Natives and “NEW” Americans was shaped by cultural contrast. The Afro-American communities were associated with talent and interest in music, beats, and rhythms. The Asian cultures integrated primarily through the world of food, and maybe medicine, to some extent. The Latin American cultures always seemed to be fitting in your melting pot as lively creatures living life to the fullest, despite of their often illegal status in the U.S.
Never once did I perceive the U.S. as being a place of only one culture, only one colour, or only one heritage, that is for sure.
We can imagine what it is like to be another person, but we cannot ever experience it!
I do not know what it is like to walk around in “American” shoes, if you count out owning a pair of Nike trainers, that is. The funny thing is: Neither of you U.S. American citizens knows what it is like to be in anyone else’s American shoes, either!
You might think to yourself now “she is stating the obvious”. However, I would like to invite you to pause for a moment and consider what it actually means when you are being told that you can only ever fully understand what it means to be YOU, and only you!
Do you grasp the scope of this?
You do not know what it is like to be your sister, your spouse, your mother, your hairdresser, your teacher. You do not know what it is like to be the person living right next door to you, or the person living at the other end of the country, etc., p.s., and no end to the list.
The only person you can only ever really get to know is YOU, and the same goes for what YOU feel. So, the only screws you should tamper with are your very own, unless you are a shrink or therapist!
Despite all the apparent and not so apparent differences, what we all do have in common is that we seek to be respected for who we are. We do not wish to be judged for who we are. We certainly do not wish to be mistreated, or discriminated against for who we are. Yet, it happens all the time and anywhere in this world, but it can only happen because WE let it happen to us!
I have been reading many stories about how the recent events in the U.S. are separating lives and people further and further apart. There seems to be no way of coming to terms with heritage, history, failure and mistakes.
Instead of finally taking responsibility for their own actions, many people are doing what they do best: justifying themselves, attacking each other, pushing away responsibility. Or thriving on so many needy people around them, whom they can “rescue”, which in turn makes them feel better about themselves.
The old role models, the old stereotypes and the old ideas of pointing out differences, instead of what you have in common, seem to be having a very firm grip on many of us.
One human being is always going to be different from another, even when they have the same tone of skin, have the same national heritage, share the same ancestry, or live their lives in the same faith.
While we still keep thinking that only what we have in common is something important, we are denying ourselves the chance to move one step beyond.
Realizing that every single human being is unique means that every single human being is responsible for their own actions, and only for their own actions! We are all on our very own, exclusive, singular, individual trip!
Not even identical twins turn out to be exactly the same despite sharing the exact same set of DNA!
In one of my earlier posts I recommended asking questions, correct questions, actually, in order to make improvements. Ask questions with a potential of making improvements, because those are the ones that can take you closer to who you actually are.
The African American might want to reply to my above statement by asking: “So, how is that statement supposed to be an answer to my problems facing racism day in, day out? What good does it do to look at myself, accept myself and respect myself when I am still being discriminated against for the tone of my skin in my own country - almost on a daily basis?”
And the white person from European descent might say: “I am not at all in a privileged position, nor am I racist, to the contrary. So, why should I still have to take a look at myself?!”
And a Native American person could surely be found in this grand country of yours who might respond by asking: “Hey, hold on a sec! What about me, if anyone should be complaining about unfair treatment, it would be me! When will justice be done by me and my folks?! Hold on, you want ME to take a look at myself, why on earth should I do that?”
My answer to all of them would be: Well, WHO, on earth, should you be looking at if NOT yourself? If you were to take into consideration everyone else’s point of view, you would have a pretty long task at hand, wouldn’t you?
What answer shall we give those who still doubt?
The voices being heard on the subject of racism and racial privilege would do good to be premeditated very well before uttering anything! That is what I would want to tell them. However, I am going back on my own word by saying this. I just said that I would stick to my own affairs, didn’t I?
I have actually come to the conclusion that I am done dishing out advice that nobody has asked me for. I am a people-pleaser, I like to feel that I am doing good, righteous things for others, because that makes me feel better about myself.
In the past few weeks since my last post on Medium I was repeatedly asking myself what good it might do, if I were to dish out advice?! And I also asked myself why I was doing it.
The reason for doing so is that for people-pleasers like myself it is always easier to dish out advice, thus make myself feel good somehow. In Spanish there is a nice saying that sums up this notion: “Consejo vendo, para mi no tengo.” It translates more or less as: “I sell advice, but have none left for myself.”
It is easy to stick a finger into a deep wound without even knowing that you are doing so. That I have gathered from many well-meant attempts at getting it right, the “helping people”, that is. Surely, those articles did get it right, at least with a number X of people who read them.
Yet, they still got it very wrong indeed with a number Y of people. The sheer mass of individuals one would have to consider to get it 100% right is simply overwhelming and will forever stay absolutely impossible to achieve, wouldn’t you agree?
Displays of anger, offensiveness, hatred and so on are very valid feelings and have to be dealt with. However, not by just anyone! It should be the person who is experiencing them, plus a psychologist in session with that person, and yes, preferably in the same room, and not online!
What may help us in all of this — what I perceive as — emotional mess is to develop some sense or awareness of how our experiences ARE all different, thus finding a way to concentrate on our own feelings and reactions, not so much those of others.
Remember that the same set of FEELINGS are available to people, no matter where you are from, what your background is, or the tone of skin and hair you have. Those feelings can be experienced by everyone else. In that capability we are all equal. That is why and how we can find unity!
When psychologists say that you can only change yourself and your own reaction to something, what they mean is that only your own feelings can be controlled (step 1) by knowing about the triggers (step 2), which set off negative and positive feelings (step 3) that entice you to follow through with some sort of action (step 4).
Attributing your feelings to what other people may or may not have done to you just does not work.
Of course, cultural differences will define to an extent the social acceptance of certain feelings, but the spectrum of feelings available to us remains the same.
What also remains the same is the fact that we are in control of them individually — in control, as in best case scenario. Of course, the character of a person will also determine to some extent whether they tend to have emotional outbreaks, or not, as well as how often this might occur. Previous experiences will take effect on our emotional state, e.g. whether we tend to feel sad or angry in response to a certain trigger, and so on.
The feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, contempt, rage — all on the negative side of the continuum, will probably be triggered by similar actions and experiences in most people, but they will most likely vary in degree from one person to another. But hey, good news! Professionals of the mind are quite sure that they have reached consensus on how these are best processed.
I am convinced that being a shrink these days is hard-earned merit, but the profession certainly has a future! At least that can be safely claimed to be true.
My thoughts in August of the year 1 #P.C. (Post Corona)
Sue
